Wednesday, 6 February 2013

How to Get a Date for Valentines Day ...

So you've clapped eyes on a totally lush bundle of trouble?

Eyes meet across a crowded club. Fumbling conversations, nonsensical dry-mouthed exchanges? They make you thoroughly nervous. You hope she hasn't noticed the popping vein in your temple. 

Maybe a Facebook add or even some hokery POKEry, virtual off course. 

Valentines day is rapidly approaching.  I've been playing sympathetic ear/ agony aunt to my single friends all weekend. Yes, there have been a few shockers.But there have also been a few super-squeely-AWWWW-moments. So from my wealth of vicarious (cough) experience here's a mini guide to doing it right for Valentines day...

Why Hello There....
So back to that alluring creature whose charm blurs everything else in the vicinity; who inhabits your daydreams, batting her long lashes and slinking around like a stone cold fox.

Life gives us windows of opportunity. So next time you see said person, don't mess up. Because if you wait for the time after that they may be taken/indifferent/ flashing their chesticles in the big brother house. Literally, anything can happen.

  1. Talk to them. Most people are genuinely nice and if they seem any different, they are probably on the defensive (or insecure) either of which is easily defeated with a good cheese joke.

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours? ........
    Nacho cheese.

    At this point make sure she doesn't fall off her chair and hit her head laughing. If she swoons, it better be straight into your waiting arms.
  2.  Don't open with "How are you"..."What do you do for a living" (kiss of death right there)..."Been a long time". You are not at the hairdresser & frankly nothing says  "I'm a boring fart" more than small talk. Now there is no one size fits all formula. But a conversation that is fun, chatty, uncreepy and avoids the mundane is what you're aiming for. Don't be overtly personal- no one wants to know about your athlete's foot, religious convictions, mad Uncle Eugene or that you have 'trust issues' (yikes).
  3. And finally. If you have fun, the chat's good and the chemistry is 'on fi-yar' then it's not the time to be coy. Boys, get those digits. Right then and there.

"What should I write to Her?/Him?"

Remember the days when having a boyfriend/girlfriend consisted of neverending conversations across msn messenger and sharing a sly bacardi breezer & a snog behind the shed at someone's house party? Well here's the thing. 
I hate to say it, but now you're older. 
In the beginning, beware of the whatsapp trap. Save the verbal diarrhea for when you actually meet. This means you avoid the hazard of  ironic sexually charged emoticons culminating in a bitterly regretted selfie (awkward). This is usually followed with a whimper of calls that never come and candlelit dinners never shared. 

What does this mean? You say scratching your head..

  1. Don't beat about the bush (as much as you may want to). Make texts to the point. ...."Cancel your pretend plans on Thursday night for <insert something fun here>"
  2. Don't leave too long to text her, keeping the momentum is key.
  3. Be a witty texter. If you lack wit, then compensate with assertiveness. 
  4. However, phone conversations are hunky dory. Although I am all too aware that most boys a phone-a-phobes, but if it's something you can get over then it lays a pretty good foundation. Listen to me strategise.
  5. Lastly, as you get to know the person better it's totally cool to text loads. It's only when they are a stranger that you seek being a pest or putting yourself in the 'friends zone'.

Hopefully you've done all the above. I'm guessing she said yes? 


......As does my blog.......

The moment of reckoning...

I've always been a proponent of activity dates. Not the 'try hard' variety however.. i.e. nothing ridiculous like a couple's cooking course and wine tasting (shudder). In fact no activity preceded by the word 'Couples' and nothing you can get on a Groupon voucher. Think drive to the country. Take the dogs. Go for a walk. Wear wellies- jump in puddles. Skim rocks on a lake. Go to a pub. Chat. Easy.

But that's just me. I guess on V day most people expect the traditional dinner-chocolate-flowers routine. So here we go..

Flowers- a must. But a single red rose is a no-no-NO. She will assume you're recycling a Cuckoo souvenir from the night before; and it's naff. Also, do not purchase these at a supermarket even if you do get points on your nectar card. You can't really go wrong with Moyses Steven's and if your woman has taste- she will prefer white blooms to red

Chocolates- Erm, hello? These shouldn't be an extravagance and certainly not a gift on Val day. However, William Curley chocolate is always welcome on non special occasions.

Gifts? Different couples have different dynamics when it comes to this. So I shall remain silent on the subject, as this is a really personal thing. But what's that you say? You were thinking of getting me something outlandishly vulgar and expensive? By all means go ahead.

Some final points

  1. Remember, what really matters is that you have fun. Michelin star restaurants, caricatured romance and a grad student playing the harp are not fun. A mariachi band, weird cuisine, toxic liquor and random places are.
  2. First date? Don't get smashed (you know who you are). Save the slurred speech and puffy drunk face for a night with your boys.
  3. Talk to the person you're with as you would a friend. The whole James Bond/ femme fatale routine only works in celluloid. Be who you are...
  4. If you have a great time- remember momentum is key. Don't drag out the time between seeing each other because the whole thing will fizzle out as quickly as Tesco's Value lemon fizz. If within three weeks you've barely spoken or hung out then that's definitely the nail in the coffin for the dalliance

And after all of that... if it still goes badly......


  1. Jenny Moneypenny6 February 2013 at 13:03

    Hello from Chicago. Just wanted to tell you you are hilarious. Im scard Im gonna be alone this Valentines. Can you do a separate post for us girls about how to get a date? Although you probably have no trouble in that :) but still- help!


  2. If only this could be sent to and read by all men, the world would be a much better place.

  3. What are YOU doing on Valentines? Who are you really seeing?

  4. This is such a good post! Lovely blog too :)


  5. Thanks everyone- I totally love playing 'lurve genie'.

    Jenny, I will think about doing a post for the girls, but I am of the philosophy that there's no particular way you should act to get someone to like you. It's horribly recycled, but if a boy doesn't like you for you.. there'll be someone else who will. And if no one invites you out on Val day, then get your all your single girlfriends together for a big dinner.

    Anon- bit weird

  6. Great post :D

  7. I don't wanna sound like a nudge but yet again,i'm getting infatuated with this blog from post to post.
    From content to style,adorned with relevant images and eloquent vocabulary.
    Not another ''How to get Vallentine date'' article we used to see in mags.
    Have you ever tried to apply to some fashion and style magazine,they really need this fresh breath of air :)


    1. Hi Maya! Wow.. you are way too kind, but thank you thank you... Sadly I'm a lawyer first and an amateur writer second but thanks again for the vote of confidence. xxx

  8. This should be shared, tweeted, linked to all! I so agree with Maya xx

  9. Replies
    1. Thanks! :) let's hope the boys are paying attention

  10. Super fun post with a wicked little sense of humor. It's nice to save these up for when dating happens, but otherwise I'll sneak the chocolate tips for my current love - a 12 year old Tweener who wants to be a Hipster! We will rock a mom and Tween Valentines Day!

  11. This was such a fun blogpost to read 8D. Hahaha! Great advice!